How to Make the Most of a Trip Home When You Don’t See Your Family Often

Visiting home after a long hiatus can sometimes feel equal parts joyful, comforting, and nerve-wracking. That’s why step one in ensuring a great visit is to realize that feeling all the things while you’re packing is totally normal. “There’s also sometimes a fear of being judged or criticized by family members, which can lead to anxiety about one’s life choices or personal circumstances,” says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, neuropsychologist and founder of Comprehend the Mind in NYC. Her antidote to such fears: Decide that you’re not going to dwell on such worries. “Stay focused on all the positive aspects of the visit, like reconnecting with loved ones and creating cherished memories.” Here are more expert-recommended tactics that’ll help ensure that your time at home with family is well spent.

Set a happy tone—and happy plans.

Lots of us wing it when heading home—especially when it’s a familiar childhood home—and don’t make a ton of plans, since half the fun is just lazing about (and eating!). That said, a bit of planning and structure can go a long way toward making a visit memorable and making the most of your time. One idea is to schedule at least a couple events that will help break the ice and break up the time, like booking a lane at the bowling alley, making a reservation at a fun pizza place, or planning a family game night complete with prizes. (Good-old bingo is always a winner when there’s a crowd.) Chatting with your family about plans previsit also creates a chance to set a positive tone when it comes to particular family dynamics that could detract from people enjoying themselves. For example, if you’re dreading talk of certain hot-button political issues, it’s better to bring this up before you even get on the plane. You can frame it in a positive way: “This year let’s not waste the short time we have together bickering about the same old stuff!”

Expect the expected.

That said, be prepared for everything not to go perfectly. Don’t think that just because time has passed, the visit will be one big group hug and nobody will get on one another’s nerves or push each other’s buttons. Getting irritated or anxious is sometimes unavoidable when you’re part of a complex family unit, so it’s helpful to mentally prep yourself to roll with any punches. “Family dynamics can be super triggering,” says meditation teacher Lynne Goldberg, cofounder of the meditation app Breethe. “One sideward glance from Mom about that second piece of cake and you’re off to the races. Being mindful about your family dynamics can help you avoid stepping into those land mines before you say something you may regret.” She recommends deciding in advance how you can respond differently than in the past, maybe by taking several breaths before you answer a difficult or pointed question from a relative.

Pave the way for a new partner.

If you’re traveling home with a partner your family hasn’t met yet, don’t just show up and introduce everyone. Setting the stage beforehand can help make the get-to-know-you phase easier for everyone. “Talk to your family and your significant other about the upcoming introduction, to ensure everyone is on the same page regarding expectations and any potential sensitivities,” Dr. Hafeez says. If your partner is an animal lover, arrange to arrive safely after your dad’s annual duck hunt. (And give adequate warning about any taxidermy she might encounter.) If your partner is devoutly gluten- or dairy-free, offer to make (or order) an entrée salad that’ll harmonize with your grandma’s famous homemade ravioli. If you know your partner’s views on politics differ from those of your parents, ask everyone to keep hot-button topics off-limits during this first meeting. Once you arrive, try to relax and let your partner be themselves and set the pace when it comes to getting to know everyone. Maybe you assume your boyfriend would love to bake cookies with your mom, since he just totally bonded with your dad while chopping firewood, but he’d actually love a breather. “While it’s natural to want your partner to engage in family traditions, don’t overwhelm them with too many activities or customs in a short period,” Dr. Hafeez says.

Embrace awkwardness.

Remember that it wouldn’t be a family gathering without awkward moments (and let’s be honest, they make the best family stories down the road). Even a fleeting tense interaction needn’t sour the mood. “It’s important to set realistic expectations,” Dr. Hafeez says. “Family gatherings may have quirks and imperfections, as no family is perfect. Be open to the possibility of disagreements and differences in opinion, while aiming to maintain civility and respect in conversations.” Similarly, if you’re visiting with a new partner, don’t panic if it’s not love at first sight between them and your parents. “Don’t force your partner to bond or form instant connections with family members,” Dr. Hafeez says. “Relationships take time to develop, and everyone may not instantly hit it off.” Try to relax and let everyone warm up.

Drink mindfully.

If there’s one place where it’s easy to lose track of how many glasses of wine you’ve had, it’s standing at your mom’s kitchen island all afternoon while catching up on extended-family gossip. Alcohol may be a go-to that helps everyone relax during family get-togethers, but too much can easily spoil everyone’s good time. “While enjoying festive drinks during visits is common, be mindful with your alcohol consumption, as it can sometimes exacerbate tensions and lead to misunderstandings,” Dr. Hafeez says. Not to mention that overindulging can leave you feeling run-down and unable to rally for another full day of family togetherness. Try drinking a big glass of water after each glass of wine, or make a pitcher of a festive mocktail that everyone can enjoy.

Build in some alone time.

If you’re an introvert—or just tend to revert to being a teenager in the presence of your parents—your patience for chitchat may wear thin if you don’t create breaks for yourself during a visit. You can do this without seeming like a moody teenager. Mention that you’d like to find a quiet room where you can park your mat for morning yoga or that you plan to go on a daily morning or after-dinner walk. You can also offer to run to the grocery store or help with other errands as a way to get out and clear your head. Also be sure to pack a book, which doubles as prop that signals, “I’m taking quiet time,” more clearly than reading on a phone does. Definitely don’t feel guilty about not spending every waking minute with family. “Taking breaks from constant togetherness and practicing self-care can lead to a deeper appreciation for the time spent with family members,” Dr. Hafeez says.

Ask good questions.

One of the things that makes a visit memorable and meaningful is conversations that go beyond surface-level, but those don’t always happen organically. Try making a list of a few questions you’d love to ask your grandparent, parent, or other older relative this year. Some prompts: What are your favorite memories from growing up? What was life like when you were a teenager? Did you have dreams about what you wanted to do for a living? What was your first job? “Practice active listening by giving your full attention to your parents’ stories—show genuine interest, maintain eye contact, and provide verbal cues to show that you are engaged in the conversation,” Dr. Hafeez says.